


SFW Dirty Talk

by HorologiumParadox



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Chill XV, Crack Treated Seriously, Funny terms for "having sex", Gen, Hints of Gladnis, Ignis doesn't get paid enough for this, M/M, Sex slangs that will make you either giggle or facepalm, That's all that really is to this fic, The boys gang up on Iggy, They Should Have Known Better, hints of promptis, they really should
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 06:06:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12858372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HorologiumParadox/pseuds/HorologiumParadox
Summary: In which Noctis, Prompto and Gladio overwhelm Ignis with their extensive vocabulary of slangs for “sex” and get their backsides served.





	SFW Dirty Talk

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I'm here this time without (many) assignments due tomorrow, which means I don't feel guilty about posting this.
> 
> I've had this idea for a while, but didn't know how to develop it. Today, as I was dusting off my room, a single line came to me and I rushed over to the computer to write it. Took me the whole afternoon, but alas, I've finished it in one day.
> 
> I'll save my thanks for the end notes so we can *get down to business* already. Enjoy!

“Hey, Specs, have you ever…y’know… _done it_?”

Noctis, in his fresh-18-year-old curiosity, had asked his counselor, out of seemingly nowhere and in-between cans of light beer on a Friday night. He had his eyebrows drawn together, but didn’t meet anyone’s gaze after blurting out the question. Prompto perked up on the couch next to him, momentarily dismissing progressing in the game in favour of hearing the answer.

Ignis had looked up at his charge from the magazine he’d been absentmindedly flipping over, blinking into a frown. “I beg your pardon?”

“I mean,” the boy started, looking like he was trying to divide 137 by four, “you’re older than us, and a grown-up, and we’re friends, so…I was wondering.”

Feeling that would be a _long_ conversation, the bespectacled man sighed, closing the magazine with finality before trying, “Your Highness, may I remind you you are now legally an adult as well?”

“Don’t change the subject, Iggy.” Prompto finally joined in, fairly over-disinhibited due to the combination of his personality and the buzz of alcohol in his blood. “Spill it, did you do the dirty with anyone yet?”

Ignis mentally recoiled from the term, taken by surprise in his hopefully uneventful start of weekend. He should have known better since he’d arrived at Noct’s apartment to be welcomed by a stack of pizzas and packs of teenage-tier booze.

As he concocted the most harmless reply he could manage without allowing room for more questions, Noctis amended, “Like, it’s hard to imagine you actually…ploughing the land.”

The sandy-blond blinked twice, closed his eyes, questioned his life choices and salary and exhaled heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, you know…” Prompto completely abandoned his eletronics, haphazardly leaning over the back of the couch with a grin. As it would appear, making Ignis’ life harder was more entertaining. “You look too fancy to _do the deed_.”

Fixing his glasses back in place, the man clipped, “There’s no such thing in the real world, you realize?”

“Nevermind that,” Noctis interjected, ignoring his tipsy friend. “Have you?”

“Have I what?” Ignis straightened himself in his chair, throwing a threatening look over the frame of his glasses.

It seemed to go unnoticed. “You know,” the young heir drawled, gesturing vaguely, “…dipped the oil stick.”

“Bumped uglies with someone,” Prompto threw in.

“Honked your horn,” Noct added, to the strategist’s increasing mortification.

“Done the hibbety-dibbety, the bam-bam in the ham.”

“Danced the woody waltz?”

“The _horizontal tango_ ,” the blond chimed, swaying his shoulders.

Noctis grinned along, enjoying the treason. “Taken the eel to visit the cave?”

“Rocked the rack~?”

“Loaded the clown into the cannon?”

“Slid the sal—”

“What the hell are you guys talkin’ about?”

Amidst their little banter, the three had forgotten about Gladio’s presence, not-so-briefly absent for a toilet break.

“Hey, Gladio, Iggy doesn’t want to tell us if he’s done the hanky panky!” Prompto piped up, bouncing a few times for emphasis.

After a few moments frowning confusion at the happy-go-lucky blond, the Shield turned to Ignis for elaboration, who fixed him with a stern glare of a mother who had just been bullied by her children.

As Gladio crossed his massive arms with a hint of a grin, however, the Advisor wondered whether he wasn’t also expecting the answer.

“What, you never glazed the donut?”

Ignis sighed.

Alas, it was the latter, after all.

“How about hide the snake in the bush?” Prompto followed.

“And slay the one-eyed heat sinking missile?” Noctis chain-linked.

“Never met the beast with two backs?” Gladio prompted again.

“Or charmed the snake?”

“Ridden the rod downtown?”

“Joined the pants-off dance-off?”

“Not even gotten a pickle tickle?”

“Wiggled the worm inside the hole?”

“Harpooned the salty longshoreman?”

“Buried th— _harpooned_? What the fuck, dude?” Prompto finally broke the reverie, turning to Noctis with a profoundly offended look.

Flustered by the censorship, the raven shoved his friend’s shoulder a touch clumsily. “Shut up! It’s, you know, the shape kinda reminds you of—”

“Blondie’s right, that was pretty lame,” Gladio voted.

The mindless discussion carried on to debate society’s standards for slangs and the aesthetic of double vocals in the Lucian language. Ignis, meanwhile, tiredly wondered why those three children had picked a lost fight. And whether he could get a raise for putting up with that kind of crap.

At last, he decided to intervene. Clearing his throat, he spoke up:

“Do you gentlemen still want an answer, or should I just leave you to your… _intellectual exchange_?”

The room fell silent for a moment as all the attention turned towards the dusty-haired man. If Ignis didn’t know better, he’d think the trio looked surprised to see him. Though, as the night had showed him, maybe he in fact didn’t.

“I’m certain you have prompted the question based on an underlying doubt, Your Highness, since it is not in your nature to _purposefully_ inconvenience a royal servant,” he started, regarding his charge with the whole intensity of his emerald glower over his glasses. “As I wouldn’t _ever_ want to make you uncomfortable, I’ll refrain from meddling, but I suppose I can suggest you always communicate with your partner regardless of your level of expertise – which I reckon will be fairly easy, given that Prompto is a rather _talkative_ individual.”

After burning the cheeky smirk off the younger boys’ faces, replacing them with full-body blushes, Ignis drawed a breath, linking his fingers around his knee. Next was the Shield, shaking between laughter and fear for his impending doom.

“But if it’s guidance you seek,” the bespectacled man continued, curling the slightest smirk at the corner of his mouth as he redirected the vengeful beam vulgarly known as _Ignis’ death glare_ at the taller male, “I suggest you ask Gladio, since he has proven to have an _extensive_ record of experiences in that area.”

Deeming it to be the end of his penitence, the referred man opened his mouth to argue just to have his voice pushed his back into the pits of his throat, where it should belong. “As a matter of fact, Gladio, I believe you have forgotten something long and pink at my flat.” He tilted his head innocently, mocking on an apologetic look. “It was rather big to bring you in my suitcase, so I suggest you pay me a visit sometime during this week to retrieve it. From the softness of the material, its owner must miss it terribly.”

As no more considerations were offered, Ignis clinically scanned every wreckage of expression left in the boys’ faces. Satisfied, he smirked, opening his magazine on the page he’d left off.

**Author's Note:**

> Special thanks to ChocoboGoddess for reading and checking the characterization. I really appreciate it!
> 
> A huge thanks to everyone in Chill XV for suggesting slangs and egging me on. I wouldn't have done it if you hadn't (enabled) encouraged me!
> 
> Last, but not least, thanks to my lovely boyfriend for not only dragging me into this fandom, but also feeding my addiction and supporting my self-indulgent writing. Love you lots. <3


End file.
